A small town in Nevada has become the site of altruistic acts of service and violent beatings after the arrival of the ambiguous new superhero, Battery-Man.
Local news outlets from Mercy Springs, Nevada report that Battery-Man’s “positive and negative sides” have proved detrimental for defenseless Nevadans. “Battery-Man’s initial arrival to our city brought nothing but joy and good fortune to the citizens of Mercy Springs,” said Mayor Walt DiMaggio, at a recent press conference. “At the drop of a hat, he’d be at your door with extra batteries for your smoke detector, or he’d find you on the road to jump-start your car. But lately, residents have reported being assaulted after calling in Battery-Man for a simple act of service.”
Mayor DiMaggio alludes to the many frightened citizens who have been beaten to a pulp upon Battery-Man’s arrival. One family reported that their 92-year-old grandfather, Mort Calhoun, was met with a relentless assault and battery after asking Battery-Man for two lithium batteries. “His TV remote wasn’t working, so I told him to flash the Battery Signal into the night sky,” said Calhoun’s son Richie Calhoun. “A decision I regret every waking hour…my father is now comatose and on life support.”
Advocacy groups against and in support of the superhero’s autonomy quickly formed upon Battery-Man’s arrival. “Battery-Man must be captured and charged for his crimes,” said the spokeswoman for Mothers Against Battery-Man, Jen Reinhardt. “Superheroes should be heroic figures that inspire our city’s children, not ruthless, elderly-abusing vigilantes.” Other groups acknowledged this concern but maintained that “the benefit of receiving free batteries in a pinch greatly outweighs the risk of potentially being hospitalized.”
Accompanied by his stocky D-cell sidekick, Buzz-Boy, Battery-Man was last seen perched atop City Hall, smirking as he held up a handful of batteries in one hand, donning brass knuckles in another.
Published in the Feb. 2023 edition of The Every Three Weekly
Dan Gutenberg 