According to a new study from the School of Information, the inclusion of 4 fluid oz., plastic water bottles on stage can “strengthen the overall credibility” of any symposium, seminar, or roundtable with guest speakers.
“We’ve reached these conclusions after years of polling attendees,” said head researcher Liz White. “Over 90% of respondents strongly agreed that the water bottles make the speakers seem more important.”
“I can’t exactly explain it,” said one respondent. “But it’s like, I’m just an audience member—I don’t need a little water bottle. Water should be reserved for those who need it to enlighten others.” One keynote speaker, who requested to remain anonymous, reported that experts in their fields “often become quite parched while grandstanding.”
However, due to these findings, several on-stage water bottles at campus symposiums have become strictly ornamental. In an attempt to cut back on costs, one campus official reports that they’ve been gluing the water bottles to the table to “stop speakers from depleting [their] supply.”
“It’s like the bottles of Body Armor at NBA press conferences,” said Rackham Event Coordinator Sly Jones. “It’s purely for looks and promotion. No one drinks that shit.”
At press time, the School of Information also reported a correlation between speaker credibility and “sitting cross-legged while leaning as far back as possible.”
Published in the Dec. 2023 edition of The Every Three Weekly
Dan Gutenberg 