In response to Kanye West’s ongoing verbal attacks on the Jewish community, a local judge has sentenced the hip-hop star to two years of Bar Mitzvah DJing.
Those close to Kanye report that he’s taken the punishment surprisingly well and has been curating his discography to better suit a Jewish dance floor. At his last performance for Long Island 13-year-old Noam Lieberman, Kanye converted popular tracks, Jesus Walks and Power, to new songs entitled Moses Hikes and Jews. A leaked studio session earlier this month also teased Abba Stretch My Hands, parts 1 and 2.
After a passionate dance performance to Hava Nagila, Kanye reportedly began to see the Jewish community in a new light. “Y’know, I’m starting to like the Jew,” Kanye said into the autotuned mic. “Y’all get down for the horah.”
The Lieberman family reports that Kanye also attended Noam’s service Saturday morning before the party. “He was very well-behaved until it was time for our son’s speech,” said Noam’s mother, Ruth Lieberman.
In the viral moment caught on video, Kanye snatched the microphone from the 13-year-old’s hands, aggressively shouting, “Yo Noam, I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish…but Rabbi Cohen had one of the best sermons of all time.”
At press time, Kanye insisted that his next gig increase his budget to allow for his set to be played from a suspended glass matzo ball.
Dan Gutenberg 